Reasoning With the Baby I Never Plan to Have
Bryanna Licciardi Know that it takes one thousand days to detox and my weekly trip to the winery is unavoidable. Know that big heads run in my family, that a baby’s head makes up 25 percent of its length, that Einstein’s brain was 15 percent wider than normal and you would definitely be smarter than Einstein, that Americans are over-eaters, that you would probably be obese because my cat is obese, and because I eat when I’m upset. Know that aliens prefer to abduct babies at night, that I like to sleep with the windows open, that aliens run in our family, that people say kids grow up too fast these days. Know that girls have quicker hearts, boys blink less, that unlike other humans, identical twins have the same exact scent, that babies are born with 100 extra bones, and I can’t decide which one of those facts freaks me out more. Know that people live better without food than sleep, that babies don’t understand the concept of night and day, that I have to go to bed by 8 o’clock or I’m no good, that high levels of testosterone make you feel pleasure from inflicting pain, that testosterone runs in our family. Know that anger increases people’s desire to possess things, and I can barely share a bottle of wine, that I’m known to hide it before company arrives. Know that having you would eat at least 20 percent of my salary, that by not having you, I can avoid the wage gap, and though people see my empty womb as proof of lesbianism, or alienism, I’m okay with it. Know that you’d start listening to my voice in the womb, and I can’t sing worth a damn. Know that when you die, hearing is the last sense to go. That if your heart had stopped before your brain, you might have heard me saying your name. |
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