Terminal Illness, Broken Heart, Constant Pain or Just Flatline Tired of Living…no worries, Rogue Gyrotours is the bold concept you seek to solve those pesky questions concerning your demise: Who, What, Where, How; we will ably assist you in killing yourself or double your money back plus a second go free of charge.
How can you beat that—you can’t. Either you’re dead or we’re in the red. End of story.
Here’s the deal. We take you up and allow nature to reclaim its own. No muss, no splat, only a splash. Seven tenths of the Earth is covered by salt water.
Most paleobiologists agree that life on Earth either originated and/or developed in the sea. So what better place to end it all than the place where the misfitted blessing evolved. Attempting to arrange your own demise can be tricky, even squalid if things backfire as things tend to do (I mean, why are you killing yourself in the first place—probably some sort of backfire in there somewhere).
Which is where we come in. We welcome you into one of our luxury aircraft, personally serve you a scrumptious last meal of your choosing, satisfy any last wish you are capable of enjoying (or despising if that’s your thing), provide the music and general atmosphere you request, fly the ocean to locate the exact kind of liquid setting you desire and let (as it were) nature take its course. If at any time you decide not to go through with the final arrangement, we’ll turn around and impishly return you as intact as we found you to your former existence. Since you’ve paid for the experience up front, we’re happy either way.
So it should be obvious at this point that Rogue Gyrotours firmly believes each person has the inalienable right to determine his or her own destiny. Further we endorse the free market: the provision of goods and services is the ultimate cause of human endeavor and the supreme satisfaction of human enterprise. We are all of us outsized creatures living in eggshell psyches; some pain is inevitable, but too much pain should never be endured just for the sake of endurance—after all, there are many of us and though each one is an individual, no one is indispensable.
A word about our aircraft. The flock contains vintage Hueys and other helicopters, single, double and multi-prop jobs, large and small jets, one former space shuttle for those who appreciate a long fall, and a blimp painted in the patron’s choice of colors and motifs. These aircraft are comfortable, outfitted with the latest contemporary furnishings and cabinetry. Everywhere satisfying geometric patterns in teakwood, tortoiseshell and mother-of-pearl mesh with readily available easements to create a niche worthy of your last moments. We even feature a rosewood kneeling bench for those seeking to justify their end of life choice by gaming the almighty with prayer. Fly with us and you will be poised to die in the greatest elegance cum veneer.
Our staff is composed of the finest medical doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, dentists, shamans, chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, philosophers and bubbleheaded margin purchasers who are at your service. These folk are talented specialists who have made the ultimate commitment to dedicate their lives to your death. Above all else they firmly belief in your right to die. So help us do away with anguished forced suicides in the form of auto accidents and shooting sprees which take innocent lives and leave tragedy in their wake.
As Empedocles was fond of saying, our material being is really indestructible. The stuff of the universe is, always has been and always will be. Just the form changes, you remain.
So come die with us. You won’t regret it.
About the author:
JW Burns lives in Florida, enjoys walking, fishing and other activities appropriate to a person of advanced years. Having once worked as a Journalist and also in the Marketing realm, he takes delight in writing short prose pieces